Passionate for "Passions"

Hardly any day goes by, that we - "the people" - do not feel disillusioned, frustrated with lives and that we deserve "something" better. A better job, a bigger car/house/****, better body , better interests (some for self, others more so for our partners), but nothing more so than a better image of self (not self-image, i dare say). And with in this, lies the first fallacy of our lives. Fallacy in that we always manage to find the wrong tree to bark at and then pathetically try to define our successes through these. That we are passionate about passions and not about self.

That the wants of this world are all fantasies, as glittering they might seem, are so because that's all they are - just glitter - a topping, a garnish, an added flavor to our elixirs, our "self" which should truly define us. At the risk of generalizing things, we don't see people fantasizing about being a great person, achieving something great or being better for the sake of being better, but more so for the effect of it. The effect that it shall have on others, more than the self.

Although doomed from the beginning, we then try to balance it by bringing a whole different angle to the story. By adding another "non-positive" to make it "non-negative". As Jack Nicholson's character says to Helen hunt's " You make me wanna be a better man" - No fault in that. One needs to find his/her inspiration, but that we resort to looking outward, searching for a "muse" at the onset is where the problem lies. That we lack the self-belief, the confidence of looking inwards. Jack didn't say " I make myself want to be a better man", he needed a "you" to make it real and well make it sound romantic too. Just an "I" would have made him sound more "egoistic". What's wrong in loving thyself if it makes you a better person, but we abhor it, no we detest it. But actually we are afraid of it. Of the fact, that man is not really a "social animal", that we use being social as a excuse for being "better" than other animals.

Its this perverse nature of ours, the "need" to find someone or something else to "complete" us, as if the other part of our life's equation is all that we need to invigorate, to kick-start the reaction, to get our act together and become our fantasies. Perverse, because not only do we doom ourselves by choosing others over self, but we burden the rest of the universe, GOD, our partner, our parents, our boss and everyone else with the frustration of not achieving and more often than not, with the frustration of having achieved these fantasies.

As given our deprecated old selves, the peripheral nature of these wants is revealed only by achieving it. Be it a car, a job, bigger paycheck, a "better" partner - it all ceases to be better once you end up achieving it. And then to fill the vacuum, the "purpose", the "need of an inspiration" to keep going, we find ourselves another destination. As if we need to go somewhere, to be someone else to find our true passions.

But maybe that's where I've got it wrong. Maybe "others" are a medium to discover "self", maybe a muse is all it takes to reveal the true creativity within yourself. Maybe all a "Hussain" needs is a Madhuri. And maybe this works in being a conduit to making things better.

But isn't this exactly what makes us dream about a "higher purpose for life", that we need to look up for a Higher force, not always of the spiritual kind. That we need to look up for a "Hero" to save ourselves, that we need someone else to define our "self"s.

We keep on waiting for our passions to reveal themselves, through their own prerogative or through "others". And the first passion that we'll have to humor is of "Waiting" on others. And "Waiting" and "Wanting" become synonymous but never complimentary. And if ever were we to discover a want and achieve it, we wait again for it to corrupt itself, for a passion to become a norm, for a hero to become an "anti-hero". For a "Mahatma" to become "Gandhi", for a "Hero" to become a dictator, for the loves to be loathed.

When all it needs is for us to be passionate about self, passionate about finding ourselves within.
As Chad Kroeger croons:

"And they say that a hero can save us
I'm not gonna stand here and wait"

maybe he's got it figured out.....

One's who missed the cue

The repeated experiences of the professional life makes it that much harder to believe in. It evades me, the more I search the further it seems to have gotten away. Like the ever evading morning mist, it lures, puts a smile on my face, a glint in my eyes; but all I have is the memory of that moment and no matter how hard I try/or not, it always escapes. Keeping it with me, or myself within that moment, is fruitless.

The last few days have been nothing short of irksome at the least. All of a sudden, everything has lost the meaning I thought existed. Its not one particular thing, just an amalgamation of a no. of things - a change that has been reflected in every eon of my life.

Things which didn't make a difference earlier, no longer seem avoidable. Can't help it , they just become so overpowering, that the feelings pent up inside me. and with all of this 'm still looking for ways to get the things I always wanted subconsciously.

Life on one hand seems a lot less fun without the things or the people i have got used to, but what bothers is that on a certain level I don't want to be perturbed by anything. Does that make me any less human, or someone who wants what he thinks is sacred or divine.

One question or thought and countless reactions, some alike others very different. The choice is governed more by circumstances and comfort than by righteousness, but then again so does the definition of right.

From one paradox to the another, that is how my thoughts are, intermingled adjoined sans any individuality.

Sometimes things seem too complicated to be a fact and my imagination has lost its wind, for all that concerns me is the stark reality of life that strips me of any ideals that I ever believed in .

Got two options - either pretend or not care.

Choices

Having been through 4 years and countless enviro exams, i thought the choices can only make life easier.
But that they'd bring along a long chain of mind spurning posssibilities was not what i'd planned for. Lfe was a lot easier for everyone with Eval around but this EVI thingy is making life a questionaire about which of the two seems better or worse or easy or taxing? Yeah , even a job being taxing is a postive as i found to the peril of my reasoning skills. guess alll those reasoning classes at Alchemist screwed me a atlast. Another 20Ks of my dad's money well spent. But thats a story for another day.
Back to Eval, apparantely a 14 hr a day job with the "IPR" division holds a lot opf promise with a "possible" package of 8 big ones within 2 years. And thats suppose to take care of all the hours of minial desk job, doucmentation and using my precious grey cells for a field even lawyers dare not enter. And they want me for aa the above reasons, rather they'd gladly say it all during the PPT
if they didn't have other inconsequential stats bout their business to blab about.
Or to the lesser job at EVI, with a substantial decrease in take home and added responsibilities. The Carbon tarding company is just another "promising" oppurtunity tahts come my way. From enviro, to Evi life would come a full circle with the fields with immense scope and zero deliverance.
Dont' know, who's more pathetic, the Eval people who with a single intereview had found their soulmate in me ( who says love at first sight is just for movies)
or the EVi people, who after denying me the CFTS profile saying that my strengths( gauged by the master talent scouts within 10 min) don't find a fit with that profile, are now trying to convince me to join the CAS profile by explaining how the two are just two sides of the same coin.

Or is it me, who has to put up with all of this shit, even when i know that theres a whole lot of better or a least more suited things for me out there
Perhaps its the society, the system which define money as the only parameter of success
But then again , that makes choosing a whole lot easier.dunnit.